If Only We Had Known Sooner...

 ...think of all the heartaches that would have been prevented and all the money that would not have been spent on marriages & alimony.

This needs to be taught in grammar school or at least in freshman year of high school! In fact this is my kind of woke.

Hat tip to Mike M for sending me the link to the video.

All the best,

Glenn B

So I Asked My Magic 8 Ball...

 "Magic 8 Ball will it be a good year for me"? The answer was most pleasing as it answered this:

"It is certain".

I am happy is said so and thus has assured me of a good year to come. Do you think that to be nutty, crazy, delusional or somehow unstable of me? If so, let me say this: If someone can believe that he can have his penis cut off and suddenly be transformed into a woman and not be considered (heck - not actually be) delusional; then I can believe that my Magic 8 Ball is infallible, especially when it gives me the answers for which I am hoping! That most certainly must be better than me cutting off my own pee-pee.

 

Proof already beginning to show itself: just felt a fart coming on and as soon as I felt it coming on I wondered wet or dry and should I go sit on the throne. Yes I did run to it and good for me because, IMO, it was much the same consistency of Hershey's syrup (no offense to Hershey's Co. or Hershey's syrup).😂 So you see, my Magic 8 Ball was right. Please note, you may or may not achieve the same amount of satisfaction from your own or from another person's Magic 8 Ball.

Happy New Year,

Glenn  B

I'm Thinking Of Starting A New Career

All the best,
GB

It'S Been A Busy & Torturous Week

I've been getting ready for my move down south and that means getting ready for the house closing on Tuesday. It also means that I was working on the separation agreement for me and my wife but that was all to naught because now she has filed for divorce. Talk about being disheartened, there I was thinking we had quite the fair agreement but you should see what her lawyer is demanding. I figure, if I do not contest it, I will be trying to live on maybe 35% of the current income from my pension, I may qualify for WIC if that becomes my income. 

Among other things, if I understood correctly: we would have to split our assets supposedly in an equitable manner, I would have to purchase her health insurance totally on my dime, if she has medical bills unpaid by insurance then I would be responsible for them (and I am guessing that such potentially could wipe me out for life), I would have to splitting my income with her, I would also be required to maintain life insurance with her as the ONLY beneficiary (so in essence screw our children because I had already told her I would be switching it over to them instead of her), and life insurance policy I have now would increase by probably 25 to 50% in cost to me when I hit 65. (And you probably thought federal employee benefits were excellent and while somne are wonderful - it is certainly not so for FEGLI life insurance! Which by the way, I was about to change in 2011 to a private company's policy not long before my retirement - I had three or four policies from which I was about to choose - but was then diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. Oh well, I was stuck with what I had back then.)

After receiving the divorce paperwork, I offered my wife a substantial percentage more of the net proceeds from the sale of the house than she would otherwise have been getting but have received no reply from her nor from her lawyer. Well, that is except a text from the wife saying that her lawyer expects me to call her and expects me to supply tax and other documents - apparently to help them with their case. No reply by tomorrow on my offer and I will have to cancel the offer and hire an attorney myself. This could have gone so smoothly but to that all I can says is: 'Alas poor Yorick (in my case 'alas poor good, merry, happy, sad, difficult and even bad married times')! I knew him, dear readers.' 

Or maybe I should say it it all, as the great Bard said it centuries ago, and you can think of Yorick as me, or as any man, in a marriage that has died:

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your
gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one
now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?
Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let
her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
come; make her laugh at that. "

Well anyway: All of this amazes me for some reason but you would think that after 32 years of dealing with attorneys throughout my career, and 33 years plus of being married to the same woman, I suppose I should have expected it. The funny thing is that what gets me the most is that the lawyer, for whatever reason, will not contact me directly and my wife will not give me the lawyer's email address so I can contact her in writing. I did send a text but got no reply. So, I tried to find out from my wife if the number she gave me for her attorney is a cell phone but as with other inquiries I have made of her, she has not replied. Go figure.

What looked as if it was going to be an amenable separation leading to divorce has turned into what promises to be only the first episode of a lifelong nightmare.

All the best,
Glenn B

Things Changed When We Lost Jacques Cousteau

Today, folks seemingly look at the oceans differently than we did back when I was a kid. Back then, we were amazed by them and the secrets they held when men like Jacques Cousteau revealed them to us in living color for the first time. I guess though that people today see the oceans differently - even as boring. Maybe it was that all the shows - year after year - rerun after rerun - repeatedly showing what were once thought of marvels of our oceans - has made them boring. I mean, just look at this quote attributed to researcher Jon Akiyama:

“If you’ve ever spent even a couple minutes looking out at the water, you get the idea: it’s dark, it’s wet, and it’s mostly empty except for some lame fucking fish and crustaceans that don’t even do anything cool. Unless you’re some weirdo who gets excited by the idea of kelp, you can basically just skip the whole damn thing.”

Of course, he does hold out some hope that the oceans will once again fascinate us:

"Akiyama acknowledged that the world’s oceans could become significantly more interesting as new technologies allowed scientists to discover additional weird, freaky squids and kickass sharks. "

More at the source.

My guess is he is a fan of Shark Week.

All the best,

Glenn B

I Want To Be In Venezuela - Everything Free In Venezuela

Err, just wait a minute - wasn't that supposed to say "I want to be in America"! Seems it's not the same tune any more.

All the best,
Glenn B

Beer and the Wheel - A Historical Essay

I've probably posted this here before or you likely have seen it elsewhere but it is always good to remind people of our history lest they forget and it is also good to tell our youngsters so they learn the important things about life. In keeping with my desire to further the education of one and all, here is today’s history lesson, with a little humor to liven it up. 

 BEER AND THE WHEEL

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That's how villages were formed. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.  This was the beginning of the liberal movement. 

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women.  Others became known as girlie-men.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.  

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 

Conservatives drink real beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. 

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

 

Here ends today's lesson in world history.  It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

 

And there you have it.  Let your next action reveal your true self. I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks, right after post this.

 

All the best,

Glenn B

 

 

 

 

Ballseye's Thougts On The Mythology Of Global Warming...

...or Climate Change, if you prefer, are fairly succinct and to the point. If indeed they are real phenomena, then do not blame them on mankind but put the blame where the blame is due - square on the shoulders of that thieving bastard of a Titan - Prometheus.

Prometheus stole meat and fire from Zeus and give it to mankind and because of that all the frigidity in the world began. It was as punishment to man that Zeus created Pandora and sent her - the first woman - into the world.  If you know Greek mythology you know that Pandora unleashed all the evils onto mankind that still plague us today and we only have Prometheus' thieving ways to thank for that punishment.

Now mind you, Prometheus was punished too and suffered for a long time because of that theft. Luckily for him though, Heracles freed him from his misery. Heracles though did nothing to free mankind from the scourge known as women.

So tell me, how can you blame mankind for trying to warm things up a bit after women were created!
 All the best,
Glenn B 

On Nuking The Chinese

Which one of these two do you think had the better idea about nuking the Chinese. I love Chinese food and sometimes nuke it till it glows just to heat it up but I'll have to admit, I see some merits to the other idea.

All the best,
Glenn B

Ever Wonder Why You Never Received A Piece Of Expected Mail?

Well, if you live in new York City, the answer to the mystery of your missing mail may not be that it was lost, or that it got ripped to shreds in a post office sorting machine or that the dog ate it. The answer may well be that a mailman, Joseph Brucato, may have failed to deliver it and then hoarded it. He reportedly was arrested and arraigned this past Wednesday after his boss noticed undelivered mail piled up inside of Brucato's personal vehicle. According to the report, over 40,000 pieces of mail, weighing approximately 2,500 pounds were recovered that dated as far back as 2005 (more here).

Maybe he was hoping to score big in retirement (he is 67) by going through all that mail for valuables but I kind of doubt it. I can't think of anyone who routinely sends cash anymore. My guess is the guy just went postal in the nonviolent sort of way because the mail never stops. What was it that Newman said?


 
Of course it probably goes a bit deeper than what was shown in the previous video. I imagine there has to be more of an underlying cause than the mail never stops and along those lines all I can say is blame Hawaii. Yep, the state of Hawaii could well be one of the reasons your mail has not been delivered, at least according to Newman!



All the best,
Glenn B