Monday, August 21, 2006

Something old...

This is something a bit old, at least by the standards of today. I wrote this back in 2003, but I figure it is just as applicable today as it was back then. Enjoy.

One Man’s Opinion

Here is my opinion, about keeping a loaded gun in the bedroom. It is only my opinion; well maybe it is a bit of humor too, or maybe a clever ruse to get certain people to believe one thing and be later surprised to find out otherwise. You be the judge.

I like guns, I like being able to use them, I even don't mind shooting some dirtbag who breaks into my house and whom I believe is threatening me or my family with serious bodily harm or death. But I am not going to tell you that I keep a loaded firearm in my home. I still have one child, my son, living at home, and a wife and two dogs and a cat and lots of snakes and lizards and a turtle. My daughter is at college nearby, and sometimes comes home unexpectedly at all hours of the night/morning – I hope never with a snake or lizard of a boy. I would rather not shoot her (her boyfriend maybe another story - but right now I like him, he is a good guy) or any other family member because I was awakened by a noise, and in some half asleep groggy state I take action that is terminal. Of course, chances are my dogs will wake me before anyone even gets into the house or; if they only wake up after the bad guys are in the house the dogs will most likely keep them at bay long enough. That is long enough for me to take a moment to wake up fully, realize what may or may not be going on, and load for bear just in case. My dogs are scared of their own shadows and bark at almost everything. Hell I bet though that if a burglar broke in they would lick him to death. In that case his laughter would wake me if he was the ticklish type. If not, oh well I guess I’d sleep though it and call the insurance company the next day (talk about real burglars).

Back to guns for a minute here: Loading for bear includes not only loading the gun, but grabbing a flashlight, putting on shoes (a very important step, no pun intended). I don't need to jam my toes on the stairs. You know what comes next don’t you? Then in a knee jerk reaction I squeeze one off. What do you mean you don’t understand how a knee jerk reaction would make me squeeze one off? You know - the toe bone is connected to the foot bone, the foot bone connected to the ankle bone - on up through the knee - thus the knee jerk reaction. Eventually we follow those bony connections all the way up to the trigger finger. With my luck I'd shoot my other toe and start all over again!

My next action would be to ask my wife, in a loud voice, if she has her gun ready. I hope she has enough smarts to say yeah, instead of asking “what gun”??? Now do you really want to find out if my wife has a gun? Stop by unexpectedly at 4AM and find out first hand! During this time my wife will be calling 911, then either gathering the kids to our room or having them lock themselves in their rooms. We will let the dogs out into the hall - hopefully they will keep their courage (Ha!) and go for whomever it is doing all the intruding. I will be on the move with the dogs and the light. BUT before any of us goes out of the room, I will in loud voice challenge any potential intruder. "Helloooooooo Mr. Or Ms. Intruder, is anyone out there? Please leave us alone. I have a gun and my wife knows how to use it, err I mean we both have guns and both know how to use them."

Now you may ask, and I don’t blame you: “Why take the time to do all this and then to announce that I am coming out to take a look around?” Well this is serious, really serious: I, for one, would rather not be surprised to find out the police just raided the wrong house and I came out shooting or even pointing a gun at them. Chances are I or you would lose in that one - don't you think. (Please note we are out of the serious zone and back to delirious once again.) I would rather not wake up in heaven - is there really such a place for guys like me, and I shudder to think the alternative is real! Nor do I want to wind up in jail for shooting a police officer, not even for a night and then be released with a justified finding (yes I am being serious again just for a moment). Psychologically speaking, I do not think I could live a normal life (what is normal anyhow) again after that kind of a mistake even if it was the officer's fault for breaking into the wrong house, not identifying himself (or whatever), wearing a full black ski mask and holding a bag full of loot (or was that entry gear). Of course if you hear someone yell: THIS IS THE POLICE, but you for some reason have strong doubts: you can always go lock yourself in your room, and ask them to prove they are police or other law enforcement officers. They have ways that can convince you, believe me, yes we do.

Now on the other hand, if someone - let's say like the jealous husband of your neighbor's wife - gets all the way to your room with a weapon of almost any sort, forget your gun. If they want to whack you they are going to be able to do it. Man you must have been really drunk to let him get in that far without waking up! Of course, if you were in that much of a drunken slumber, be happy you did the right thing by not having a loaded firearm around because guns and alcohol really do not mix. Of course this will be little solace to you as someone cracks your noggin with a baseball bat just as your neighbor's wife jumps out of bed and runs out of the bedroom, along with your neighbor's dogs, screaming "Help Police". Now wait just a darned minute - let me go back to the Police issue here for a moment and get this straight. If your neighnor's wife and dogs just ran out of the bedroom in which you were having a nice drunken slumber - well is it possible just for a moment that the Police are in the right house after all - right behind the enraged husband who is hitting you up side the head with a bat? Was it that your neighbor called the police to come and get your fat behind out of HIS bed, and he decided not to wait for them to protect HIS wife and HIS dogs and HIS honor? Man you have gotta remember which house is yours in the first place - and no wonder you couldn't find your gun - it was under YOUR pillow, in YOUR bed, at YOUR house, right next to YOUR wife, where you should have been!

Speaking of wives here is another thing to be wary of when keeping loaded firearms in the bedroom. I would hate to wake up, grab my loaded gun from a night table and commence firing at the big bad hairy burglar/robber who just jumped me, only to find out my wife finally made it through the ice age and decided to - well you get the picture! A darned shot at that moment could ruin a truly promising good time! (Enough of delirious for a moment, let’s get serious again.) You really have to be careful with loaded firearms around the home. Do something to give you that extra moment to wake up before even thinking of picking up a loaded firearm if you can. Then if it is really a bad guy, and you cannot get away, and your life or a family member's life is threatened or you are threatened with serious bodily harm (or whatever your state's laws say are the proper guidelines to follow - and they have been met) then my guess would be: go ahead, you can legally blast the guy. Remember shoot to stop - but if the bad guy does not stop threatening your life until dead - well you shot to stop and he finally stopped). If you decide to do it otherwise, you know, outside the law - well you too may wind up in prison with: no house, no money, a divorce, no chance to see your kids ever again, and with a big hairy boy friend. I can attest, no matter how little I have gotten since I have been married, I do not ever want it where the sun never shines, as it so often comes to men in chains! Yes I think I would tend to be careful in such a situation, but I would definitely shoot if that is what had to be done to protect my life or a life of a family member from a bad guy. Now if only I can stop shaking long enough to load those darned bullets, I'd be ready for anything.